Designs for the Homelike Home, text version

ABOUT US | SUBSCRIBE | E-MAIL EDITOR | HOME

This is the text only version of The Gag insert to Ragged Edge magazine.

Remember Tommy Olmstead? During his 15 minutes of fame, he was the toast of state governments across the land. In the first cartoon panel, we see Tommy as a balloon in a parade, as tall as ten houses.
What will become of him in the post-Olmstead era?
Scott Chambers, cartoonist and consumer reporter, tracked him down.
Tommy Olmstead's designs for the homelike home. (With apologies to Tommy Hilfiger.) Tommy Olmstead has a designer logo now.
Tommy Olmstead recently ended his first career in the "oppressing professions" and launched a new career as a designer. Here, then, is Tommy's line of products for the recently de-institutionalized who are feeling a little homesick for "The Home."
First catalog item: A spray can of Pist Mist -- stale urine aresol for $6.95. Second catalog item: Mr. Muzak, for $386. Ceiling-mounted speakers complement this authentic 8-track player. Third catalog item features 8-track tapes, only $10.95 each. Three tinny, scratchy and wobbly 8-track cartridges of 1. Kostelanetz, 2. Montovani and 3. The Ray Coniff Singers. Add $3 each for vinyl L.P.s. Fourth catalog item: Institutional-size cans of pear halves in sugar syrup, only $26 each.
Fifth catalog item: Fake plastic vomit to put on your freshly waxed linoleum floor! Order item URP for $4.95. Or Real Vomit of $6.95 a pint; $12.95 a quart; with split pea and ham, $2 extra.
Sixth catalog item: Eau de Lysol: Disinfectant body mist; $12. One little squirt and you're right back in O.T.
Seventh catalog item: Don't smoke? Miss the smell? The Sight? Your problem is solved, with The overflowing ashtray: $8.98.
Eighth catalog item. Surprise TV! This TV will switch channels randomly at variable intervals and turn on and off at all hours.
Final catalog item: The Hell on Wheels Truck, a home-based treatment program of the Tommy Olmstead Home for the Infirm. Hell on Wheels staffers are shown. Ray carries the cold food -- salthy chipped corned beef on toast, mashed acorn squash, canned mushy peas and carrots. Donna serves up the arts and crafts: little cups of elmer's glue, tongue depressors, popsickle sticks. Al delivers the useless meds: tranquilizers, depressants, downers, anti-depressants, uppers, brain food.

Back to home page

ABOUT US | SUBSCRIBE | E-MAIL EDITOR | HOME

This Website produced by Cliffwood Organic Works